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  • Writer's pictureC. Daylee

Has Dating Come to This?

Updated: Sep 19, 2020

This is the prospective of several young women. I have had the opportunity recently to speak with some upwardly mobile women who have done the work and prepared themselves for finding a life partner, meaning marriage. These young women are in positions in the medicine, educators, finance, and banking, the airline business. Some are entrepreneurs. They are not looking for Mr. Right. They are looking for Mr. Commitment, someone who is ready to share a life with them and is willing to put in the hard work to make a marriage work. Someone who will not give in when things get difficult and understand that it is a part of strengthening the marriage. The love that holds the two of you together is built on good and bad time. And when you look at each other you know that there is no one else you would want next you in those times.

The women I have been speaking with alerted me to the fact that there is not a lot of those young men out there. They are not quite sure as to why commitment is not in the men, DNA. Is it that they have commitment issues that stem from their childhood, or is it that they are afraid to take on family responsibilities? One of the things it could be is that many have issues with professional equality for women. Years ago most men did not want their wife to make more than them. I would hope in the 21st century the majority of these men have matured enough that it would not come into play. It is not often that couples make the same in salary. In society the salary scale has been much kinder to professional African American women, as a whole, than it has been to African American men. In the last fifteen years more minority women have sought higher education than men. This is one contributing factor to the salary imbalance.

The point I want everyone to get here is there is no right or wrong way to make a commitment. It should not take over a year for two individuals to know whether or not they are meant to be together and make a life together in marriage. Once it passes the two-year period if there is no proposal then someone is leading someone on. I trust you understand what I am referring to.

Within a relationship commitment is when two people start making plans for making a life together. When one or the other begin finding reasons why they think the marriage should be put on hold, stating money issues, better jobs, living conditions, and not knowing anyone who is happily married. They are stalling to avoid the real issues. When two people are in love all of those things will fall in line. A part of making plans is establishing a budget that you can live by. If you go to marriage counseling that individual should assist you with prioritizing your budget or refer you to someone. Please know that couples counseling is a good thing. No one wants to be blindsided by information they may have needed to know prior to marriage. Talking through issues that need addressing prior marriage to is important. Knowing how much a partner is able to handle is best known up front. It really should not matter who makes the higher salary. The most important thing is having the best person to manage the household funds.

I recently counseled a young woman who felt her family had a commitment curse. She told me that she knew no one in her family that had ever been married. She said that she had never been a part of a family with a married couple as head of household. The only men she regularly saw were her uncles and men in the community where she grew up. Based on her upbringing she felt that she had not seen true affection in her life. She wanted me to tell her how to go about finding a meaningful relationship. She feels in the city which she lives there is too many women competing for the same man. She feels that the men enjoy playing relationship games, but not putting the time and commitment in to have a meaningful relationship. I explain to her that I could not fix a man’s heart for anyone, but I could give her some signs to look for when a man is not serious. I also told her that I could provide her with some tips that would help her to know the right man when he arrives.

The Pathway to Relief

  • Always carry yourself in a respectful manner. If you do not, show respect, for yourself then you will not be respected by anyone else.

  • Know who you are and your desire so that you can push forward your dreams.

  • Do not go looking for men. They still like making the first move.

  • When you meet a man allow him to do most of the talking.

  • When he asks for your number provide it only if you like what you have heard already.

  • Carry yourself in a reassuring manner, walk upright, hold your head up, keep a positive thought on your mind, wear a smile (even when you are having a bad) always.

  • Develop a personal relationship with your God, (your spirituality is especially important).

  • Always look the part, of where you are going, (remember people see your outer appearance first, not your heart or your personality). Being an impeccably dress woman who know what to wear when goes a long way.

  • Get involve in a hobby or community project so you do not have so much idle time on your hand. Try joining a gym, mentor a young girl, teach English to a foreigner, or perhaps learn a new language.

  • Be selective with women friendships, every woman needs a few real friends.

  • Tell only one individual your most private secrets, preferably, someone older, that you can confide in. This person can be a woman or a man. The only thing you want to ensure is that the individual has your best interest at heart. Keep in mind you are not looking for someone to agree with you, you are looking for true honesty.

  • You must be honest with self and know when your inner self is speaking to you. Sometimes we desire things, or individuals so badly we overlook clear signs. Never do that. Your given the inner signs for a reason.

  • When a man tells you who he is believe him: He will perhaps start off with when I get myself together, it is not you it is me; I was going to call or txt but. Even in the 21st century, adults want to hear the voice of the person they care about. If he has never been married and has two or more kids, move on. If he says his ex is harassing him for child support, (bad sign), and if he asks you to move in with you within the first sixty days not good.

  • When you meet a man and he requests, your number, if you liked his conversation provide him the number. You never take a man’s number the first time you met him. Allow him to make the first several contacts. If he does not call you, he really was not that interested in you. Move on.

  • I know this is the 21st century, but never sleep with a man on the first or second date. He will lose respect for you and you will never be taken home to dinner at his mother’s home. This is an old saying but it absolutely true.

  • Keep in mind men chase what they cannot catch. You will know when to stop running.

  • A man will not change. What you meet is who he is. You may clean him up, but it will not be for you. He is not an automobile, and you are not a body mechanic. Please take I can fix him out of your mind.

Ladies I think you got the basics if you desire more please contact me on my Blog and we can talk.

Thank You,

C. Daylee


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